What Hyena and Elephant Have Taught Me

Picture Credits - Public Domain Pictures

Hyena - Petr Lehnert

Elephant - Piotr Wojtkowski

Many people who know me know that I practice a form of Shamanism. My spiritual instincts have led me to a place in my life where I believe that I am able to learn and grow spiritually through this practice. Even though consciously, I question the state of the multiverse and whether or not a creator, or creators, actually exist I have been taught from a young age that one does. Because of this my subconscious will always rationalize my experiences so that they fall in line, in some way, with what I was taught as a child. As I have grown spiritually over the years, however, I have left organized religion behind. I certainly do not oppose it; I think most people in this world today still need it. I would never intentionally mock it even though I feel that it has caused many troubles in the world today. I have also seen it do much good. That said, my path takes me on a different journey than most.

Shamanism is a form of spiritual practice which involves working with animal spirits. There are many layers, planes of existence, within the spiritual world. A Shaman will mentally and spiritually travel to the plane where the animal spirits exist. Once arrived on this plane, a mutual agreement is made and through this lessons, or wisdoms, are taught to the Shaman via the animal spirit guides. I make it a habit to frequent this realm and each week I perform a ritual to strengthen the bond with my animal guides. It is through this song and dance that Hyena and Elephant have shown me a lesson that I feel needs to be shared with the world. That is the reason I am sharing what normally would be a very private matter, with you today.

Animal spirits can be associated with the elements; fire, earth, water, and air, depending on the lesson the animal spirit chooses to relate. However, there are loose guidelines which can categorize the spirit guide. Each element represents a “type” of, or characteristic of, the animal. Fire represents the hunter, strong animals that prey on others such as, Tiger, Alligator, and Hyena. Earth represents the more docile animals such as Deer, Monkey, and Elephant. The water element contains animals of the water, Dolphin, Orca, and Otter. Lastly, the element of air holds within it spirit guides such as, Eagle, Owl, and Crow. During the dance ritual the Shaman embodies an animal spirit from each element. During this embodiment the Shaman talks to the spirit and learns from them, in return the animal spirit can experience the material plane for a short time. Usually, it is mutually satisfying but during one of my recent dances it was not and it was through this dissatisfaction that this lesson was learned.

My physical self suffers with an autoimmune arthritis called Ankylosing Spondylitis. The condition makes it difficult to move normally. This has never been an issue for me while embodying the Fire Spirits, but on this occasion that changed. Hyena presented itself to me and as I took on the embodiment Hyena rejected me saying it did not want a broken body. When I asked why, Hyena said it would not be able to enjoy the kill of its prey fully in a broken body. It wanted to feel the pleasure of tearing its prey apart. I was disturbed by this and gave Hyena its leave. At first I think I may have been a bit offended, but the more troubling issue was knowing that Hyena liked to kill. Hyena wasn’t killing its prey to survive as most of the prey animals do, it was killing for the fun of it. To me, that felt evil and I was upset.

I turned to Earth and Elephant came forward. Here was an animal so different from Hyena. Elephant was a loving mother who would stay with her dying calf, abandoning the safety of the herd, to ensure that the baby died peacefully. Elephant would defend her calf to its last breath and all the while, touching it with her trunk to comfort it. I asked Elephant how can it be that you and Hyena are so very different? Why does Hyena want to kill? Elephant’s reply was simple, “There will always be those who get their pleasure from killing and destruction. It is true throughout the natural world. Humans are a part of the natural order and as such there will always be those who thrive on the pain and destruction of others. While some people may find and except love not all can be saved. This is the truth of the world.”

And so it is. Hyena and Elephant reminded me that not every person can be taught to love. It is a sad fact that some people enjoy being evil. These people, as hard as it is to swallow, will never change. They are Hyena. The rest of us must remain on guard to our last breath with or without our herd. We must look after those whom we love, and share our love with those who will accept it. We must go on teaching our young that family is important and through our love of one another we will find protection and rest from the evils in this world. That is what I needed to share. My thanks to Elephant, and also to Hyena, for reminding me of this valuable lesson.

Is Religion Killing Us?

Image Credit - Paul Brennan - Public Domain Pictures

We see it everyday all around us. Religion with its icons and archetypes are never far from any one of us. Even to a person who claims Atheism, the barrage of religious traditions is perfectly recognizable. It’s easy to claim that the vast majority of people today can identify the symbols which represent the most common religions. The Christian Cross, the Star of David, the Star and Crescent of Islam, even the Pentagram of the Nature Religions has become known to most. Religion has become embedded in today’s society, and on into every individual’s life, whether or not you personally adhere to one. And yet, within the cry of “love your brother” we kill and maim in name of God.

Unless you've been living under a rock, no matter where in the world you are, the actions of ISIS set an example of how horribly twisted the “Word of God” can get. Any average Joe understands the danger and damage possible when fanatics/extremists from any religion are turned loose on society at large. But what about those who are practicing the love that is taught through these religions, surely that can’t be a bad thing can it?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if the world would be better off without religion of any kind. Are the religious using their faith as a crutch? Are human beings being held back from what may be the real truth because they are blinded by their faith? Perhaps there is no God. Maybe people are too afraid, down deep, to deal with issues like death, and extreme poverty and need, so they make up this Godhead to answer the questions they can’t.

I really don’t want to offend anyone, but these are honest questions that I ask myself. I understand that the faith a person holds in their deity can be an absolute. To a person who believes there are no lingering questions as to what happens after death, or why perfectly good people are plagued with the destruction and greed from, what can only be deemed, evil people, God’s will can be a satisfactory answer. Many times when presented with these questions a person of faith will simply reply that if everyone else would finally come to their senses and except their God, the world’s problems would go away. I guess to an extent that’s true. I mean if every human being on the planet shared the exact same dogma and saw God in the exact same way, perhaps the world would be a better place. I, however, am more pragmatic than that and I understand that even if every person shared the same dogma there would still be conflict because one person’s vision of God is never going to fully match another’s. In other words, I think that as long as religion exists people are going to fight about it, and it’s going to end bloody.

So now what? What are we to do in this world where, religion, our own beliefs are killing us? I’m afraid that due to my pragmatism, again, I have to be the bearer of bad news. The possibility of everyone abandoning their faith for the betterment of the world is really just as far fetched as hoping that one day people we will all believe in the same God. So now, for what it’s worth, here are my thoughts on how to come to grips with our religious differences.

I think that humans need an answer to life’s immortal questions. We want to know and understand what will happen to us when we die. Are we really going to be reunited with our loved ones or will we simply fade into the nothingness of dreamless sleep? I can’t answer that. I know I can’t answer that, so why bother my brain with it at all? My loved ones are either out there somewhere waiting for me or they’re not. I’ll find out when I’m dead, or, maybe I won’t.

Why is there so much evil in this world? Because sometimes people suck. There are people in this world who want to squeeze every last drop, of whatever they can get, out of it. If you want to make the world a better place, decide now that you are not going to be one of those people. Does the thought of that make you afraid that you’ll be left behind? Who cares!? Why would you want to be with that crowd anyway? Find your own way, find good people, and work with them to make the world good, and I don’t mean good as in everyone needs to think my way good, but in the way of, truly good. Love people, care about people, help them when you can and don’t take advantage of those who have opened their hearts and souls to you.

I think that there are many good people in the world and that most people really do want to do what’s right. Sometimes things get confusing, people get scared and they may make a bad choice but that’s not the same thing as being “evil”. To the people out there who are truly “evil”, you know who you are, I say; I don’t know what happened in your life to screw you up so bad and there’s nothing that I can do to change your circumstances, so...if you don’t like what you see in the mirror then change. It’s that simple, really. Take it from this recovering alcoholic; the only thing that is going to release your pain is your ability and your desire to let it go. The world is what it is and if we want it to be a better place then we need to make ourselves better. Love and Respect are two very important words to know and practice. It doesn't take religion to understand compassion, and it doesn't take religion to be a good person. If you find that having faith in a God helps you to deal with your deepest fears, then so be it. Just remember that you are unique. Even if you are surrounded by others who share the same dogma, when it comes down to picturing the big picture everyone sees their own artistic interpretation of it, so relax and don’t try shoving your vision down someone else’s throat. If you honestly want the world to be a better place then accept others for who they are and allow them the same respect you would want for yourself.

I know this has been a long post and that after all these words are written and read it really comes down to a simple statement. Live and let live. The world will be a better place because of it.

Hanging on to Hope

Photo Credit - Rostislav Kralik - Public Domain Pictures

Before I get started I would like to apologize for the long wait between this and my last post. I was having some computer issues which prevented me from being able to write. However, that said, it lends me the opportunity to share with you now my perspective on hope. Yes, it’s a strange segue but I think when I’m done you’ll see how it all fits together.

For the most part, in my little piece of the world, my life goes on undisturbed from day to day. I have, at times, had major life issues of course, but on a daily basis my biggest worries are usually things of a more mundane nature. Sometimes I worry about paying the bills, this past week I worried about getting my computer up and running again. What does this have to do with hope you may ask? I’m getting to that.

First, let me tell you what happened when my computer started giving me issues. You may find this hard to believe but it’s true. After the initial, “Well, this sucks!” I thought to myself, “I guess all in all I’m pretty lucky. I could be dealing with a much worse situation. There are people throughout the world fighting each day just to survive and my biggest worry today is if I can get my computer working again.” Do you see where I’m going here? Sure, my life could be worse but that’s not really it. There’s so much more than just, it could be worse. It’s about how the people who are having it worse continue on, how they find the strength to keep going, how they can grasp onto the tiny bits of hope and pull themselves up; and also, how I (we), who has (have) much less to worry about can learn and in turn share back the hope to those people who gave it to me (us) in the first place.

I’d like to share a bit with you about the days following my daughter’s death. I’m not ready, yet, to go into the depths of my feelings and thoughts on the subject but something happened when she died that you should know about.

As a recovering alcoholic I know all too well that the death of a loved one could easily lead to a relapse, even for a veteran of 21 years now. Because I know this and even though I didn’t feel like I wanted a drink, I knew I had to get myself to a meeting. Now, prior to this, I hadn’t been to a meeting in a good long time. I had moved to a new city and never bothered to check out where any meetings were even held. Needless to say, I was downtrodden enough and not really in a state of mind to go looking up local meetings. Here’s where the universe comes in....I know because this sort of thing happens to me often...if you strive to live your life in tune with the energies around you, life will find a way of giving you what you need. Getting back to the AA meetings...I’m trying to comprehend that my baby, my youngest daughter, has passed away but the rent still has to be paid...so, I walk over to the church, where I’m renting from, to pay the rent and on the front door of the place there’s a little ol’ sign, “Tonight’s  7:00 PM AA meeting has been moved to room XXX.” I kid you not. So at 7:00 I went to the meeting without knowing what type of meeting it would be. Some are quite large with one or two people sharing their experience, other’s are smaller and more intimate. This one, as it turns out, was the latter. I walked into a group of about 7 or 8 people who listened to me introduce myself and then put the entire itinerary on hold for the night so that they could listen to me and so they could assure me that they were there for me and they cared.

I don’t know if you see the connection here to hope, yet, but for me it’s like this. That little sign on the door gave me a spark of hope during the darkest days of my life. The people that were there for me gave me the confidence to go on and the hope that someday light would return to my life. It’s in these small things that I find the largest gifts and I can’t help but feel that I’m not the only one in this world who understands that.

When I hear about or read the news and see such awful things happening in the world, people in the Ukraine and Russia, the Middle East, and Africa living with the daily horrors of war. Others dealing with illness, famine, natural disasters, everywhere I look I see what could be seen as hopelessness, but I don’t. Instead I see hope. I see that despite the most horrendous difficulties and the highest obstacles people continue to move forward, they trudge on and I believe they do this because they have hope. Somewhere inside them they find that same little spark and believe it’s going to get better so they keep going and in the process they set an example, an example of hope for the next person who is struggling through what could be a hopeless situation. It’s hope that has allowed the human race to persevere. It’s hope that motivates each and every one of us to get up and get on with our day, our lives, and our dreams of a better life.

Human beings are a remarkable species and our ability to hold on to hope is one of the reasons why. I can survive the death of my daughter because I have hope that maybe, just maybe, one day joy will return to me, I hope that I can give her son a vivid, lasting image of her, and that even though we have to go on without her, life can still be good. Our species thrives on this type of hope. When we see it in others we are inspired to hang on to our hope and a beautiful circle of hope and light is created and carries onward throughout the existence of the human animal.

So there it is, one strange little incident that began with a computer malfunction that blossomed into an entire contemplative experience. If you’re reading this then my hope for you is that you find within yourself the hope you need at this moment in your life. Know that somewhere out in this large world you have an ally who is hoping to pass the spark along to you and hoping that you, in turn, will keep that spark alive by passing it on to someone else. In these troubled times be of good cheer and hope for a better tomorrow. And remember that even in the smallest incidents hope can live large.

Modern Day Living and the Human Brain - Part II - A New Species?

Photo Credit - Charles Rondeau - Public Domain Pictures

Have you ever watched “Through the Wormhole” with Morgan Freeman? Personally, I love the show but I only get a chance to watch it every now and then. A little while back I was able to catch an episode. They were discussing the internet and the various effects it had on society today. I found the topic to be so intriguing I just had to share.

The first thing which hit me was the idea of being addicted to the internet. Actually, this just isn’t as strange as it may sound. When a person becomes an addict they become dependent on whatever substance is their drug of choice. When they are deprived of that drug they will suffer physical withdrawal. This means that their bodies go through measurable changes which can be noticed by others, as well as, the person experiencing the withdrawal. In the case of Internet addiction, scientists examined people who spent an average of 10 hours a day online. Then, they took them offline. The test subjects displayed all the symptoms of drug withdrawal; they had higher rates of aggression, impatience, jitters, and all the other nasty symptoms of withdrawal. Internet addiction is a real thing. Interestingly, addiction to the internet has an additional symptom that no drug or alcohol addiction can claim. It’s true, I’m not making this up - the Internet will shrink your brain. We are talking actual, measurable size differences when a person becomes an Internet junkie. MRIs and CAT Scans were done on these junkies and scientists found changes to both sides of the prefrontal cortex and to the sides of each brain. Their brains shrunk, this is a physical change that does not take place with drug and/or alcohol addiction. We’re into a whole new game here, and that’s just the beginning.

What else could this Internet be doing to the human race? Well, how about absorbing us into it, just as a single cell organism is absorbed into a larger life form? Do you think this is Sci-Fi? It really isn’t. There are, in fact, reputable scientists who believe that the Internet could easily become a sentient life form. The premise works like this....we, human beings, are the mitochondrial DNA which is absorbed into the larger life form, the living Internet. They base this idea on the fact that the internet has enough information and enough processing power that it would be able to develop an understanding of humanity well beyond any understanding we ourselves would be capable of. If, or when, that happens the human race will no longer be the dominant species on earth. It is at this point, when we may witness the merging of technology and human beings, as it could be beneficial to both. This wouldn’t be the first time Sci-Fi ideas came into actual existence you know. Perhaps we truly are in the dawn of a new era, a new evolutionary step for the human animal. Maybe, just maybe, our need to be connected and the sentient Internet’s need to feel and experience life will lead us into a merger of unimaginable evolutionary growth. So, now I wonder, how much Internet do you need?

Modern Day Living and the Human Brain - Part I: Your Child May be at Risk

Photo Credit - Karen Arnold - Public Domain Pictures

Modern day living has given our society some marvelous benefits, but some of those benefits may be costing us dearly. Living in the world today is tough, there’s no question. Every adult has seen the changes from technology, to global warming, to the health and welfare of ourselves and our children. But, some of the things that we take for granted today may be causing us a lot of harm. Yes, technology is having a giant effect on our brains and I will get to that, but first, I want to talk about our children. This article isn’t just about the technology that everyone, including our children, is affected by. I’m also talking about the effects of society on our kids. Listen up parents! Their future may be permanently altered because of your financial status.

Oh sure, everyone knows about the disparity of social classes and that the rich will always benefit more than the poor, but now we know why. Recent studies have discovered that children who live in poverty will grow up with substandard brains. In an article presented by NPR we learn that a child’s environment has a physical effect on the development of their brain. This isn’t due to a poorer diet, or a lack of housing in and of itself, but rather the stress which is caused from those situations. Along with worrying about violence, the daily stress that is present in a poor child’s life is changing their brains. It is being called “Toxic Stress” and a child who has suffered three or more traumatic events within a year may very well be dealing with this. A school in LA did a survey and found that eight in ten students fell into this category. A traumatic event may include such life issues as losing a home, or a family member, neighborhood shootings, divorce, having to deal with the stress of an unemployed parent, or not having enough food. These stressors in a child’s brain become cumulative and physically change the brain.

The changes that take place are primarily in the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain responsible for problem solving and learning. It also carries the brunt of the weight when it comes to learning how to control emotions. We often hear adults making remarks such as, “What’s wrong with these kids today?” or “Kids today are more violent.” I say, what do you expect? Poverty levels continue to rise, the income gap grows larger and larger with each passing year, and now we have proof that these circumstances are creating a generation of children who, not only don’t care, but are physically unable to. The mental health of tomorrow’s adults is being dealt physical blows that they may never be able to recover from because their brains have been permanently altered. If the parts of the brain needed to process emotions are not there how can we expect a person to properly deal with emotions? If the problem solving area of the brain is stunted why are we shocked to find children who can’t figure out something we would consider to be a simple task? This is plainly showing us that we need to take the mental health of our children much more serious!

Okay, so I have your attention, I hope. Now let’s talk about how we can fix this. One of the most efficient ways to reach children is through the schools. The kids are there which basically creates captive participants, so to speak. The schools which participated in the studies found that having more counselors in the school was a good start. Where the child felt like they had the support of an adult, they improved. The schools also equipped themselves with more after school programs and tutoring. They set up programs for the adults, too. Parents were given help in the areas they needed, as well as, being taught how to better handle these same stressors. Most parents want to help their children, the problem, I think, is that mental health over the years has received such a bad wrap no one wants to deal with it. However, if parents can see that there is physical damage being done to their child, just as if an arm or a leg were being lost, they would want to help.

There is, of course, one big problem with getting our children the help they desperately need. Money. Where will it come from? Across the board school systems have had to deal with cuts to their budget. We’re not talking small cuts either. These cuts are so large that schools have had to let go of counselors, administrators, and even teachers. Why have the schools seen such dramatic cuts to their funding? The simple answer, politics. Our representatives see our children’s education as a non-priority. Let’s face it, most of our representatives are millionaires, this is not going to be an issue which directly impacts them. Their children are sent to the finest schools and chances are pretty good that they will never have to worry about a neighborhood drive by. So what can we, in the trenches, do about it? We can vote! Duh! This is the only way things are going to change. We need to demand that the educational system gets the funding it so desperately needs to combat this problem. Without the support of the house and the senate our children will never be able to grow a healthy brain. We need these support programs and we need them now. Oh look! It’s an election year for our representatives and senators. How convenient is that people? Let’s make some noise and tell the people who are supposed to represent us that we want to see the educational system get the necessary funds to run these programs. If we wait until our children are grown and out of school we will have lost the fight, recovery for them will most likely never happen. Is that what you want for your son or daughter?

Next post will look at the brains of adults and we will see how that well loved internet is working to change our brains. Yes, there is more physical evidence. And speaking of the internet is it possible that it could become self aware, a living entity which in its all knowing self may one day reign as earth’s new dominant life form? Tune in and see.

Why so Serious?

Photo Credit - Dawn Hudson - Public Domain Pictures

Lately I’ve been spending some time thinking about the difference in the world today compared with what the world was like when I was growing up. I’m not talking about the technological achievements or any other modern day conveniences. I’m referring to the changes in people themselves, their attitudes and the way they see and think about the world around them. That, in turn, got me thinking about the generation before me and so on and on. As I continued with this train of thought I asked the question, “Why is everyone so serious these days?”

Here’s the thing, there has always been war, racism, hatred, genocides, famine, disease, and suffering in general but these days it feels like this is all we focus on. The current state of the world feels tragic and it appears that this feeling of tragedy is shared by a great many people. We hear all sorts of reports about young people today and how they have to deal with this, that, and the other thing and how much of a toll it takes on them, but everyone seems to forget that we all grew up with many of the same things we just handled it a bit different. Our solutions consisted mostly of either never speaking about it or just dealing with it because that’s the way life is. This isn’t going to be a post, however, about the tragedies of a generation, no; this is going to be a post of remembrance, one that will hopefully invoke that world consciousness and strike a chord within humanity that allows people to finally, once again, lighten up!

Let’s take a look. In fairly recent U.S. history we had the “roaring” twenties and even in the middle of a depression and prohibition the party spirit carried on with the speak easies and  some good ol’ fashioned, sometimes blinding, moonshine. The forties were fab and the war boys and the girls of the U.S.O. made even the horrific event of a world war seem classy and the country rallied to everyone’s aid. People donated their tires; they saved up their green stamps and harvested their victory gardens. By the fifties everyone was living the “American Dream” even if you had nothing at all you knew you didn’t have to remain that way, with some hard work and some frugal spending anyone could own their own little piece of America. The sixties may have seen a huge revolution and a change in how humanity looked at each other, but it also ushered in the decade of brotherly love where, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with” was the rule of the road, and the road was open to anyone who had a thumb, a bike, or a car. By the time the eighties and nineties were over something had happened, the world began communicating like never before and suddenly it was in everyone’s face.

Is this what happened? Did people “wake up” and realize that there was suffering and discontent all around them? Is this why everyone became so damn serious about life? No. No, it’s not! I’m here to tell you why so listen up. In today’s world we have seen and heard about some awful things, things that would make your hair curl, make you ashamed to be human. How can we do these things to another human being, to an animal, to mother earth? Well, the fact is we’ve been doing it all along. There was never a time in human history where we were without atrocities so terrible that it disgusted the average human being to the point of wanting to vomit the foulness from the guts of humanity itself. The difference? People also knew that compared to the horrific things that were taking place around them, their life in comparison, wasn’t too bad.

That’s it people. There was a time in human existence when we understood that yesterday was gone and there was nothing you could do about it now, that tomorrow would take care of itself if it decided to be there for you, and that all you really had was right here and now; and if you’re not dying then things could always be worse so be happy with what you have, right here and now because if you want more from life all you have to do is make it happen. Buck up, take some responsibility for yourself and if you want things to be different in your life, change those things. And most importantly, while you’re changing those things live a little, because that’s really all you have when it comes down to it. It is my humble opinion that people were happier “back then” because they understood that all you really have is today, here and now, so enjoy it. The real waste of a life is spending seventy plus years, or however many you might be given, and never really enjoying it. So people, my words to you...Lighten up! Don’t be so damn serious all the time. Have some fun and enjoy being with whomever you’re with right now because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Be glad that you have this moment and make the best of it. Enjoy your life for whatever its worth. Peace and love man, peace and love :-)

And here’s a little note to get you started....

ItDon't Mean a Thing_Louis A

Enter the Substitute

Photo Credit - George Hoden - Public Domain Pictures

I’ve added a new hat to my wardrobe of life experience, I became a substitute teacher this week. I think that this will be a workable solution to help me make ends meet and still allow me to moderate my energy levels so that I don’t end up with a flare up or an illness. Being on disability makes it very difficult to survive. Some people think that we just sit back and let the money roll in while we do nothing to earn it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact of the matter is that living on disability alone a person, most likely, will not be able to support their self. In addition, some people forget that the amount of disability a person receives is dependent on what they paid into the system in the first place. It’s not a handout, it’s an insurance policy.

Anyway, I digress. Substitute teaching, it’s a good thing. I can choose which days to work so if I’m not up to it I don’t need to accept a job. I can also do half days which is necessary since it takes me so long to become mobile in the mornings. I’m certainly not going to become rich doing this but it should fill the gap enough that I won’t have to worry about the normal day to day bills. But, there’s more to this substituting than meets the eye because it’s really not about me, it’s about the kids.

It’s been about 35 years since I was in high school and, yes, things have changed. I’m quite sure that as time goes on and I continue to spend more time in the schools I’ll see even more changes, or maybe even similarities. My first day allowed me to see just how different things are now. It was hard to fathom as I experienced a world that I once lived in which has now become almost alien. This first experience was in a high school, today I was at a middle school. I would strongly suggest that any parent, if given the opportunity, take a day out and spend it at your child’s school. I’m certain that it will be an eye opener for you. The days of the quite, focused learning environment are gone, probably for good. Your children are not being given the gift of education that you were handed. No, the kids today who want to learn have to fight every second of their day to get that education which I, honestly, took for granted. Between the over stuffed classes and the disruptions caused by the students who don’t want to be there, it’s honestly a miracle that anyone can learn anything. I’m here to tell you, things have changed more than any person, of my era, could possibly imagine.

That said, when you get down to it, the kids I met and worked with are super. I had a lot of fun with them and could tell that down deep they are all just kids. I don’t know if their lives will be impacted by my presence and I don’t know what this school/war zone will do for, or to, them, but I hope that they will leave my class feeling better about themselves and others. To the parents I’d just like to remind you how important it is for you to be a part of their lives and the biggest part of their lives, right now, is school. They need you to be there for them, seriously. You can’t expect to understand and share their lives if you fail to be involved in the largest area of it.

What Do You Believe In?

Photo Credit - Public Domain Pictures, Anonymous 

Faith, it’s a source of pride to some. Others see it as a necessity for survival, and some claim to have none at all while they blindly move forward in their day to day lives without ever acknowledging the most basic belief which keeps the human animal moving on. It’s been my experience that every person has faith in something. This doesn’t mean that everyone believes in the same thing or that all people have a vision of God in their mind when the word “faith” is used. But, in and of itself, faith is something that is there in each of us.

Faith is there for us when hope fails, it never goes away, and it’s as integral to our minds as a heart is to our bodies. Most of us probably don’t even think about it, again, much like the heart, it works on its own pushing us into one direction or the other, playing us like cards. I’m talking about our most natural instincts here. Our minute, meaningless actions transpire because of faith. We place one foot in front of the other believing we will walk, and we do. We don’t start out this way, of course, we are taught to have faith. As our parents encourage our first steps we begin to develop a deep sense of faith by trusting them to not let us fall. As our faith in ourselves grows stronger we become surer of ourselves and we build our lives equivalently to our faith. Those of us who have little faith seem to achieve little, and those with an enormous amount of faith achieve fantastic things. The faith we have can be used for our benefit or our demise, but no one is without it.

So, tell me, where does your faith lie? Do you place your faith in the unseen, assured that somewhere out there an entity of some form is watching out for you, planning your life in a manner which will, in the end, grant you the rewards you seek? Is your faith within yourself the driving force? Are you pressing onward in this world because no one else is going to do it for you? Or, do you have a little of both? Perhaps your faith is something you’ve never really considered; maybe you’re totally unfamiliar with your faith. If so, then maybe it’s time to think about it. Know and understand your faith and you will know and understand yourself.

I’m not saying acknowledge your faith and move on. I’m suggesting a thorough inventory of your core beliefs. Take some time to evaluate your life, honestly. I don’t mean for you to drag yourself down by looking only at your shortcomings, or to give yourself a false sense of pride by ignoring them. Be honest with yourself about yourself. Search inward to discover the driving force of your animal. Don’t expect anyone else to understand it, this is uniquely you. The faith you live by is a result of all your life experiences. Some may find that their faith is dark and well hidden. Some might, instead, see their faith as so strong and vibrant that it actually blinds them, and so, hides their true self in plain site. Whatever you find, where ever you find it, once you really have it, it’ll be yours to do with as you wish. You can be your own captain if you truly understand where your faith has led you thus far. So, I’ll ask you once again, what do you believe in?

Scientists Have Discovered Non-Human Intelligent Life!

Picture Credit Piotr Siedlecki

What’s the what? Yes, non-human intelligent life has been found. The catch? It’s not alien life. In fact, it’s been in front of our eyes the whole time, right here on good ol’ planet earth. Sorry if I’ve broken your alien dreams but this news isn’t any less fantastic just because it’s on our home planet instead of out there in space somewhere. If you think about it, it actually gives credence to intelligent life off planet since we now understand that intelligent life might not be what we expect it to be.

Here’s the low down. Mammals; some of them have very large brains, enter the dolphins, the whales, the elephants, and the apes. Take into consideration that dolphins and whales, as we know them today, have inhabited this planet, for millions of years prior to homo sapien sapien. In fact, they were the dominant species on the planet long before we were even a spec on the evolutionary scale. We’ve known for some time now that these animals are intelligent but, after watching Nova on PBS last night, I know that there’s a lot more to this intelligence than most people may think.

What are some of the characteristics that scientists look for when determining if life is intelligent? Here’s a few of the biggies; is the animal (and yes, humans are animals) self aware? In other words, do they understand that they are an individual with their own thoughts and can they recognize themselves in a reflection? As a comparison a human toddler is around two years old before they understand that their reflection is not just another child. They are around four to five before beginning to understand that their thoughts are their own. When dolphins were shown their reflections all of them displayed actions which are considered to be signs of self awareness. They examine their teeth, their fins, their eyes just as a human does when we look into a mirror. We and they, tend to look at the parts of our bodies which are otherwise difficult to see.

What about language? We often feel that our ability to develop and use language sets us above the other animals. Well, what if you were to learn that many animals do have a language which they share with others of their kind? We have just been too dumb to learn it. We assumed that because they do not speak in a manner familiar to us, they were unable to form true language. We failed to take into account that the physical attributes that allow us to speak as we do are different in these different animals. Once again enter the dolphins. We now know that the series of clicks, ticks, and other noises dolphins use are quite literally used as language. It is known that every dolphin has their own name and uses it exactly as we do. Yup, they use their name to identify themselves to other dolphins.

Photo Credit Anna Langova

What else? Can an animal think about what another animal is thinking? Experiments with chimps show that they do. Scientists looked for the ability to manipulate another being because it demonstrates that the target animal understands the actions and desires of another animal. In another experiment an ape was placed in a cage without any food. A second ape was placed in a conjoining cage and given fruits and vegetables. The apes did not know each other; they were not related or previously acquainted. The ape with the food, unlocked the conjoining cage allowing the first ape to come through and share the food. Both apes sat together and ate their meal. The compassion from the second ape exhibits a high level of intelligence and ability to empathize with others.

Speaking of empathy, we turn to the elephants. I think most people have heard about the elephant graveyards where family members of passed elephants come to mourn their dead. Did you know that when presented with the bones of other large species the elephants will recognize other elephant bones every time, even if the bones are from unrelated elephants? Another amazing fact is that elephants understand when other animals are in pain and they try to do something about it. They have been seen gently stroking a distressed animal with their trunks in an attempt to comfort them.

Photo Credit Piotr Wojtkowski

All in all animals are, of course, awesome! I think it’s great that scientists are finally beginning to appreciate their intelligence as well as their magnificent nature. And, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that some of these animals are very intelligent. After all, they’ve been around a lot longer than us. Maybe, just maybe, we’re the ones who need to catch up. Perhaps our animal cousins are sitting back and waiting for us to finally understand we do not own the market on intelligence, and that life and intelligence may not have to be exactly like us to be legitimate. For more information and tons of fascinating facts tune into Nova on PBS. You can catch the whole episode here:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/nature/inside-animal-minds.html#animal-minds-smartest

Craftastic Crochet!

Photo Credit - K. Whiteford

Yes! I know there has to be people out there who get just as excited as I do when it comes to crafting. For me, the bug hits hardest when the craft is crochet. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sew and I get bitten by that bug almost as hard. But, I think my heart lies truly with crochet. It’s a very forgiving craft and I love that about it. If something isn’t turning out the way you planned you unravel it and start over, or ditch the project completely and use the yarn for something else. You can’t necessarily do that with sewing. I mean, if you make a mistake cutting the fabric, ouch! It’s all over but the crying, you know? Sure, you can repurpose items but it just doesn’t feel the same to me. I learned how to crochet when I was a young teen and I didn’t sew until I was in my early thirties, maybe that has something to do with it as well.

Anyway...I digress...Crochet is awesome because you are virtually unlimited as to the types of projects you can do and even the mediums that you can use. I’ve seen projects done with everything from trash bags to rubber bands. Each new project idea I see amazes me. Some people who crochet are truly talented and create masterful pieces of art equal to none. If you’ve never taken the time out to look at some of these gorgeous works then you are missing out. In fact, I think I’ll include some links at the end of today’s blog that will demonstrate exactly what I mean. Personally, even though I have crocheted for many, many years, I think some people’s work makes me look like an amateur.

For my latest project I’m using jewelry wire, yes you read that correctly. It’s flexible and twists easily. I’m using a 3.25 mm metal hook and I’m creating a beaded bracelet. Beading any medium can be achieved simply by pre-stringing the beads onto the medium you are using for your project. I chose various sized blue and silver round beads with a few square copper ones for highlight. As you work through the project you just slide the bead up to the hook and crochet it right into the stitch. That’s all there is to it. You do need to be sure to include enough beads for the entire project. I’d rather have too many than not enough, when your project is finished just slide any remaining beads right off. Here’s a picture of the bracelet so far. When it’s complete I intend to add some joining rings and a clasp to fit it to a wrist. I’ll include a picture of it completed in a future post.

As for now, one of the reasons I chose to write about this today is because of a contest that I became aware of. It runs only until April 25th, 2014 so I needed to share it now. Selfishly, I get an extra entry for including the link in my post :-)  But, seriously, if you enjoy crafting you’ll want to enter. The prize package includes many items for various uses, not just yarn for crocheting. Any crafter, I think, would be thrilled to get this prize. I know I would be. The number of products in the prize package are way too numerous to list here, but to give you an idea of what you could win here’s the list of companies providing items for the grand prize:

Coats and Clark, Darice, Design Master, Elmer’s, Fiskars, I Love to Create, Krylon, Leisure Arts, Lion Brand, Plaid Enterprises, Polyform, RIT Dye, Shur Tech Bonds, Simplicity, and Sizzix.

For a complete list of items included in the prize package and to enter go here and enter daily:

The-Super-Spectacular-Grand-Prize-Giveaway   

Now, go and create something beautiful. Get out of the box, let your imagination take over and try something new, even if it sounds a bit nuts. Your results may very well thank you. And as promised, here are some links to some of my most admired crochet work.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/maquissima/103768170/in/faves-katrinkles

https://www.etsy.com/listing/22580286/mothers-day-sale-crocheted-lampshade-in?ref=fp_treasury_3

http://www.crochetconcupiscence.com/2012/07/summer-days-gorgeous-crochet-hammocks-for-relaxation-and-rejuvenation

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/b7/7d/81/b77d81b694d0a6b52df2ccd33af59579.jpg

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a6/ea/da/a6eadaef80279615adbbd34904f25d1b.jpg

A Disturbing Disturbance in the House

Photo Credit: DeeganMarie

Here’s a follow up on Rep. Ryan’s budget proposal. You know the one that is going to almost eliminate Medicare, Medicaid, Food Stamps, Americorp and every other safety net the USA has in place to protect the country’s poorest, sickest, and most vulnerable?  If not, refer to my previous article on the topic - http://iseethegreengrass.blogspot.com/2014/04/rep-ryan-is-trying-to-kill-me-and-my-4.html

In a vote today in the House of Representatives his budget was passed. All but 12 members of the GOP and the Democrats voted for the budget, passing it 219 to 205 with 8 members of congress not voting.

While it most likely will not pass through the Democratic Senate, it does set up an example of which side of the budget our congressional representatives are on. Seeming as we have a mid-term election coming our way this year it would behoove an American voter to know where his/her representative stands. If you are one of the many millions who rely on any of these programs, as well as, some that I haven’t mentioned, it may be in your best interest to visit the voting record site to see how your representative voted. Keep in mind that just because it may not pass the Senate does not mean that the representatives who stand behind this budget will stop pursuing major cuts to these programs.

Another situation that could arise would be if the mid-terms end up seeing an end to the Democratic Senate. If this were to happen you can bet that the budget would most likely be met with a grand reception. So here it is, it’s up to you, once again, America. Take the time to see where your representative lies. The following link will take you to the budget vote where you can see just how your congressional representative voted. If you don’t like the vote, don’t put him/her back in office. It’s that’s simple.

https://www.govtrack.us/congress/votes/113-2014/h177

Rep. Ryan is Trying to Kill Me and My 4 Year Old Grandson

Picture Credit _ Frits Ahlefeldt

Someone help please! The title of this article is quite literal in my eyes. Yes, it is of a political nature but nonetheless a slow, torturous, means of death for me, my young grandson, and every other American in a similar situation. I’m going to give all of you an insight into my personal life. This is not something that I would normally do; I tend to keep these things very private as I have become pressured into shame over the years because I “Live off of the government.” But, it’s time the TRUE story be told!

I am disabled, I cannot work a regular full time, or even part time job anymore because I have a disease which is slowly turning my ribs, back, and pelvis into one solid bone. I also care for my 4 year old grandson because his mother (my daughter) died. Now, here comes the personal financial stuff. My disability, which I EARNED when I was able to work - *side note here* - Disability is NOT a government handout. It is a payment made to the person calculated according to THEIR earnings, just as Social Security Retirement is a calculated portion of a person’s EARNINGS where we pay into the system from every paycheck we receive, that said...I receive a mere $800.00 a MONTH, along with a $200.00 a MONTH death benefit paid to my grandson (Calculated, again, as a portion of taxes which my daughter paid into before she passed at the young age of 21). So, my grand total of cash that I must live on is about $1000.00 a MONTH - that’s a MONTH people. Let me ask you if you could pay your mortgage, pay for your gas, electric, water, and phone, as well as, put gas in your vehicle and pay its insurance, put clothes on your back, and buy the necessities for your home such as toilet paper, oh and don’t forget paying for a portion of your prescriptions (which in my case are a lot of prescriptions) all on $1000.00 a MONTH? I intentionally did not include food in there because we do get a government “Handout” of $198.00 a MONTH in food stamps and WIC. This is the ONLY food that we get since I only have a $1000.00 a MONTH to live on. My very serious point here is that I am living off an amount of money that, compared to most people, is only about 1/4 to 1/2 of what is considered an average monthly income. Get the picture?

Enter Mr. Ryan whose federal budget proposal will take that measly amount of income I receive and basically slash it in half. His plan will all but eliminate the only life lines I have - The Food Stamp program, Medicare, and Medicaid. He would be willing to plunge me and my grandson into such a sever state of poverty that we would, most seriously, end up dying slowly from a lack of food and medical care. Perhaps the government should just ship us off to Africa because we will be seeing the same type of scenario here in the US as they have in impoverished Africa. I am not exaggerating. Taking away the ONLY lifelines that the very poor and disabled have will create an impoverished and dying population right here in the good ‘ol US of A.

I’m not proud of having to be on assistance and I certainly did not work for a BA in order to “sit on my ass and collect money I didn’t earn” But I think that if Mr. Ryan were in my position he would see things very differently. I’d like to see him squeak out an existence on my income and then tell me that I get too much money from the government so it needs to be cut. America! I’m begging you, please, please help me and my grandson! Tell Mr. Ryan and others of like mind that I’m all ready living on an income incapable of sustaining us and that, in good conscious, he should not be willing to cut the only line of help I have. And then, remind him, that you, and he, are only one illness or accident away from suffering the same fate yourself.

Thank you

You can contact Rep. Paul Ryan at this web address

https://paulryan.house.gov/

Article Information

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/02/us/politics/paul-ryan-budget.html

PS - I would just like to add that I am painfully aware of the massive number of people in this world that are living in conditions which make my situation look like a dream life. I am sorry if I have offended any of you but I have related this article to people within the US as that is where I reside. 

To Sci-Fi Live or Not to Sci-Fi Live?

Photo Credit - AMC

I’ve decided to write on a topic today that’s not too heavy. I know that a few of my topics can get pretty personal and hit some deep notes for people. Today’s post is not one of those, so prepare to have a bit of fun.

Before I get into the whole story let me explain about “Bubblews” This is an amazing social networking site. “What makes it so amazing,” you may ask? It’s different than any other site because it PAYS YOU for every post, of 40 CHARACTERS or more, which you make. It also pays you every time someone views and/or comments on one of your posts. Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, I wrote that correctly. We’re not talking 40 words, we’re talking 40 characters. Once your total income reaches $50.00 you can cash it out to your PayPal account. Pretty cool, huh? Oh, and it’s FREE to join. I’ve been on the site since February of 2014 and so far, I’ve found it to be all it’s claimed to be. So, what are you waiting for, go join already, but do it AFTER you finish reading this post, thanks. That said, I can now go on and finish today’s post.

I started a post on Bubblews this past week which I intentionally listed under the “Personal” category instead of the Sci-Fi category even though the post is strictly Sci-Fi. Why have I done this? I thought it would be fun to start a story that anyone, and everyone, could participate in. I’m calling it Sci-Fi Live. Here’s what I did.

I made the post appear to be a genuine conversation type topic but it’s not. The story began with an introduction to a strange night at my “boyfriend’s” house. The next post refers to his lost dog, and then finding his dog deceased. The intent behind this is to build a reader base where the reader can also become the writer/creator of the story through participation in the comment section of the posts. For example, in the first post I mention a loud boom that I heard, and then I ask if anyone else heard anything. I had hoped that people would catch on right away, as I included a disclaimer, but so far only one person has *shrug* What are you going to do? It’s for that reason that I decided to write about it here. This way I can explain my intentions without damaging the integrity of the story line.

I plan on leading the story into an alien/zombie apocalypse type scenario and I’m hoping that I can get people to play along. That’s where the whole “Live” portion of the Sci-Fi Live comes into play. I thought it would be a lot of fun to have various people describing their own part in the story. Perhaps they too heard the boom, or maybe they will eventually be fighting off zombie type creatures as they plead for assistance in the comments. Part of the disclaimer reads that any comment made will be utilized in the story line, so maybe John Doe will be telling Jane Smith that their house was over run today and they had to find a new location to hide, ect... I hope I’m making this clear. If not, please let me know and I’ll try to clarify it further.

My overall hope for this effort is that people will begin to start their own interactive stories on Bubblews. I think this could become an awesome medium for people’s creative well being. And, what’s best of all? You get paid to write it! How awesome is that? Every writer I’ve ever known wants to get paid to write and now we have an opportunity to do so, plus we aren’t leashed to a specific topic or condition. It’s all us! I’m really quite excited about this idea if you haven’t noticed and I hope that it takes off, primarily because it has the potential to be really fun. So, I’m going to go and write today’s post on Bubblews and I hope to see you there.

What Does Your Garden Grow?

Picture Courtesy of Lynn Greyling at Public Domain Pictures

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=71091&picture=botanical-gardens-moscow

For years and years now I have gardened. I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of dirt on my feet and hands. I love watching a magnificent plant grow out of a tiny seed. I think it’s miraculous. My favorite things to garden are the vegetables. It gives me great pleasure to tend to the plants, watch them grow, and then reap the rewards of deliciousness.

When we lived in the Fort Wayne area we rented a house and couldn’t have a garden there. I managed to find a couple of community gardens where I planted and maintained a nice little crop. It wasn’t the best of circumstances, for sure, since I had to drive to get to them. It’s not like being able to step out your door and gather up some fresh herbs and veggies for the day’s meals. Things had to be planned, the weather had to cooperate, and that general sense of contentment wasn’t quite as strong. It did, however, deliver and I enjoyed it none-the-less.

Now that I have a home I can call my own, again I long to grow a new garden. There’s just one thing standing in the way, a serious lack of sunshine. If you’re a gardener then you know that vegetables require six to eight hours of direct sunlight each day. That means there needs to be a place in my small yard where the sun always shines. Alas, there is no such space. It’s unfortunate, yes, but not the end of all ends.

I plan to get a few five gallon buckets and, at the very least, plant a couple of tomato plants and perhaps a pepper plant. Certainly this is not comparable to the mounds of succulent summer squash, green beans, and cucumbers that I adore but it’s better than none at all. I figure I’ll be able to move the three plants easily enough and re-positioning them throughout the day should give them adequate sunlight. I shall wait and see.

There are other alternatives. Where there’s a will there’s a way. I know that I can certainly still garden. There are an abundance of shade and partial shade loving plants out there. Many of them are quite beautiful, and I don’t just mean hostas and ferns, although those are nice. I can think of Begonias, Coleus, Geraniums, and Impatiens off the top of my head. All of those will provide gorgeous color and texture. I’m certain there are tons more, so I will need to change the focus of my garden. That’s a very familiar life scenario for me and probably for you too. We need to learn to adapt to change; we need to be able to make something good out of a less than perfect situation. Personally, I know of no other way to live. How else can life remain good? I think that if your life isn’t good, then maybe you should be asking yourself if it’s time to change the way you garden. A person needs to work with what they have and be able to find satisfaction in it or else they’ll wither and die, much like a plant without its proper sun requirement. It’s seriously not a good thing. Life happens, we don’t always get our patch of sunshine but that shouldn’t keep us from blooming.

For now, my garden will be one of shade loving annuals and perennials. I will till the earth, plant the seed, and tend to it while it grows and becomes the beautiful plant it was meant to be. I may be able to squeeze out a tomato or two, I’ll keep my fingers crossed, but either way I’ll still be gardening and I’ll put my brain to work and set myself up a challenge to devise a way to harness that much craved sunshine. How about you? What will you grow?

Soul Searching

Picture courtesy of Joy Shrader at Public Domain Pictures

I was sorting through some papers the other day and came across a piece that I wrote several years back. It was a paper that examined ideas regarding the existence, or non-existence, of the human soul and the juxtaposition of oppositional characteristics of human actions and emotions. In addition, it presented the prospect of a collective soul existing within humanity itself. As I read over it I felt a particular relevance that reminded me of my own advice. Recently I have written about my alcohol and drug addiction which relies on a higher power. This piece calls me on that and gives food for thought. But, there’s something more in it. I found a deeper meaning when I read it. It related to me here and now as if, years ago, when I wrote it I had some link into my future. Maybe I knew that I would need a boost maybe that is why I kept it. I’m referring to the loss of my daughter in 2011 and how that deep soul pain is a part of what makes us who we are now and that there may be hope yet. So, today’s post is that article and maybe it can be the boost you need, too.

What’s the Big About a Soul Anyway?

We make it seem like it’s everything, we search for it. It’s what makes us human isn’t it? The rapid pulsing of life itself, the understanding that draws us into a world that touches other beings. It keeps us going, it cleanses the blood that flows within us. This blood that courses like hot molten steel, forcing us to be more than instinctual.

It drives some people over the brink of sanity and into a world where reality will never be the same. It causes us to love and hate, to bestow charity and to steal, to build and to destroy. It leads us by the nose wherever it thinks we should go. We die for its preservation. We kill for its purification. We justify a hundred thousand reasons of madness just to keep it from burning us to death from the inside out. Our actions are all based on what the soul desires, what it believes to be true. Yet, it leaves so many with an empty bottomless pit feeling in their bellies that their hearts swell like starving African children. It screams out for its own annihilation then begs forgiveness and respite. It knows us all too well.

It gives the ability to move forward while stopping us dead in our tracks. It holds us immovable in space and time when it’s injured and then suddenly flings us into a distant solar system when we least expect it. You know what I’m saying...we have all felt it. You know exactly what I’m talking about, it’s as if we share it, like maybe there’s only one soul to go around; one, which every person on the face of the earth has some part of. How else could we feel, experience, and even know the joys and sorrows of others as we do? How else could we be so cold and hateful in its absence, as if sometimes there just isn’t enough of it to go around? Like a bombed out building that is still hanging on, parts are missing but the structure remains. Some of us struggle to rebuild the monument of humanity, while those that linger in the empty space cling to an invisible thread of hope and desperation that maybe, one day, they’ll again experience what it’s like to be in the remaining I-Beams.

Soul sickness, it comes with the territory. It breaks us down into compost material and leaves us waiting to be fed to those who would thrive on our molecules. The soul spreads like this, into each one of us. Sometimes we’re consumed; sometimes we’re the consumer. Each time we put our soul into something, no matter what it is, we leave ourselves open, vulnerable to the compost heap. Our flowers and fruit spent, then tilled up and thrown out to await our rebirth through the tender sprout of another obsession. We blanket the winter months of our absence with depression, or anger, sometimes hate or just plain empty longing.

Broken and battered we pick up its pieces and attempt to put them back into our work, our thoughts, our feelings, and our lives. We try and try to rebuild the ornament of beauty that links us to life. We fear its loss more than anything but we rarely ever think about it. It delivers us from evil and allows us to think of bigger and better places for it to be than right here where we are. The call of humanity is our own pleading for a sense of connection. The very connection which we dismiss, without a second thought, as soon as the crazy guy in the corner of the restaurant makes eye contact with us. It’s that spark which ignites either yearning or repulsion. It’s what the Gods themselves have longed for. What it means to be human only a human can understand.

So what’s the big? It’s only humanity, our humanity, both individual and communal. It brings a sensation of existence into our world, the link in the missing chain. Still, we can’t even agree that it exists, or if it does, how? In what form? Where is it going to lead us? Does it even know or are we just spinning in a continuum of non-linear existence? Do we expand the collective soul when we become “enlightened”? Can the circular effect grow without end and send humanity beyond the imagination? How can we ignore so blatantly the driving force of our being?

I think, and this thought is coming from my very soul, that a conscious effort to recognize, relate to, and feel one’s soul will send out a vibration that causes the remaining soul to hear music. It’s the song that will echo into the void spaces of the collective and create the necessary expansion into the vacancies of humanity. People can feed their empty swollen hearts. The soul can grow. Somehow, there can be enough to go around. I think the secret lies in the consciousness of each individual. I don’t know how many people it will take to achieve a collective humanity, but I am sure that the more people who are willing to make the effort, the more successful we’ll be. The soul is unique. It is a big deal. We need to acknowledge this or we will all end up in the void, just as it is capable of expansion it is also capable of collapse. The structure of human kind could fold under the weight of emptiness, and vanish into a cloud of dust. It is a big deal. It’s our deal. Nourish the soul, feel it, don’t forget about it. Let it hurt, let it love, let it grow. Deliver us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there you have it. My wake up call to myself. I’m going to try to let it hurt, to let it love and hopefully to watch it grow. Thanks for being here. Our journey may be long but I have hope because you’re here....so yeah, thanks.

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction - How Did I Get Here? - Part II

Before I begin telling my tale again, I’d just like to say thank you to those of you who have come back this week to hear the rest of my story.

To sum things up simply, I began drinking alcohol at age eight. By the time I was seventeen I was an addict to both drugs and alcohol. I had suffered an accidental overdose which didn’t deter me and so I continued on slowly drowning and never even realizing it.

At twenty eight I had been actively using for twenty years. I honestly don’t think that I knew any other way to live. Even though I knew other people didn’t live like me, I had no idea how to escape from what my life had become. I was involved with a man who was very abusive and thanks to my addictions his violence towards me was met with equal violence directed at him. When I was unable to hurt him (physically or emotionally) the way he had hurt me, I began turning that violence onto myself. It’s difficult to describe the depth of pain that is present when you get to a point in life and think that it would be better if you were dead. My entire being felt as though I were suffocating and being allowed to gasp for air just long enough to keep the agonizing torture ongoing. I had convinced myself that I was completely useless and that I was doing more harm than good to my kids. I was sick of being beat on and I was sick of beating on others, so I took a very large amount of valium and washed it down with the beer and whiskey I had already been drinking.

The only reason that I didn’t die that night was because of a friend, my best friend, who had spent the previous ten years constantly by my side. She knew what I had done and she called the EMS. I was out before they got there and, eventually, told that if she wouldn’t have called when she did I would certainly have died in a matter of minutes. When I regained consciousness in the ER I stormed out of the hospital, embarrassed with what I had done, angry with myself for failing, and still trapped in the endless insanity. I refused to go home to face anyone and since I knew of no other way to deal with such an epic failure I began partying harder than ever. I spent the next two weeks hanging out with some people who didn’t care that I was in such bad condition. I decided to go back home thinking that it had been long enough and that I would be welcomed with open arms, people should just be glad that I’m back. It hit me pretty darn hard when instead I was told to get out. My best friend, the only person I had left, the only one who had put up with all my crap over the years, had enough and today I thank God that she did.

So, I finally began to realize that there was a problem. Even after all of this I still wasn’t convinced that I was the problem, but I started to see that one really was there. I agreed to check myself into detox but I still had a long road ahead. The next few months are pretty fuzzy to me. I knew that I needed to get sober but I was still unsure just how to do that. I tried to control my drinking after I got out but my first trip to the bar ended up with me being in a functioning blackout for at least five or six hours. When I came to I was with a person I didn’t know and I had no idea how I had gotten there. The people I had been staying with told me to get out because I, “Really can’t handle drinking and [I] seriously needed some help.”

This is where I finally got to the turning point. As I walked out of that house with no where to go and no one to turn to, that suffocating feeling was pulled into my gut as if in a vacuum. The pain wrenched and twisted inside me until, in the middle of the street I looked up into the glowing lights of the night, and literally screamed out, releasing the agony, and putrid pain that I had kept tight inside me all these years, “I give up! What the fuck do you want from me?! I don’t know how to stop!” I sobbed aloud as I walked hunched holding my stomach and knowing that for some reason I was gong to be given a second chance.

I walked to a friend’s house, and I guess she must have seen something in me because she agreed to let me stay there. That week I began going to rehab and shortly after I also went to my first AA meeting. I worked the program the way it was meant to be worked and even though my idea of a higher power didn’t match up with the conventional ideas, I had come to believe that there was something in the unknown universe, out there somewhere, that had decided to pass a bit of grace onto me that night and give to me a new life.

I know that sobriety has been, and remains, the only path for my life. Without it I have no doubt that I would not be here today. I know that no matter what life hands me I remain only one drink away from a drunk and that I cannot, under any circumstances, entertain the thought, even for a minute, of having a drink. I thank the powers that be for my second chance and I hope that it is never regretted. I know the program works if you work the program. When my daughter died a couple of years ago, I knew that was a huge trigger, and even though I didn’t want a drink I knew I needed the program to be there for me...and it was.

I had recently moved so I didn’t know the area or anyone who lived there. I recall thinking that I need to go to a meeting that I can’t go through this alone, but I didn’t know where any were. As these thoughts were racing through my head along with the details of my daughter’s death, I was walking through the motions of every day life by going to pay the rent. I walked up to the front doors of the church, to whom we rented from, and I saw a sign on the door, “Tonight’s AA meeting has been moved to room XXX and will begin at 7:00PM” No, I am not making that up. I went to the meeting and found a small intimate group having a closed 12 Step meeting. I introduced myself and explained why I was there. The group chose to delay their discussion so that they could spend the hour talking to me and helping me to get through the worst pain I have ever experienced. Not a one of these people knew me from Adam and not a one of these people treated me any different that you would treat a loved one. That is what AA is about. And finding that meeting is what “The Grace of God” is about, and so it is that without them both I know beyond all doubt, I would not be here today writing this. Please, if you are struggling with alcohol or drug addiction let go of that pain. Cry out to the powers that be and let them know that you can’t do this anymore and maybe, if you sincerely work to get sober that grace and those AAs will be there for you too. Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this.