Alcoholism and Drug Addiction - How Did I Get Here? - Part II

Before I begin telling my tale again, I’d just like to say thank you to those of you who have come back this week to hear the rest of my story.

To sum things up simply, I began drinking alcohol at age eight. By the time I was seventeen I was an addict to both drugs and alcohol. I had suffered an accidental overdose which didn’t deter me and so I continued on slowly drowning and never even realizing it.

At twenty eight I had been actively using for twenty years. I honestly don’t think that I knew any other way to live. Even though I knew other people didn’t live like me, I had no idea how to escape from what my life had become. I was involved with a man who was very abusive and thanks to my addictions his violence towards me was met with equal violence directed at him. When I was unable to hurt him (physically or emotionally) the way he had hurt me, I began turning that violence onto myself. It’s difficult to describe the depth of pain that is present when you get to a point in life and think that it would be better if you were dead. My entire being felt as though I were suffocating and being allowed to gasp for air just long enough to keep the agonizing torture ongoing. I had convinced myself that I was completely useless and that I was doing more harm than good to my kids. I was sick of being beat on and I was sick of beating on others, so I took a very large amount of valium and washed it down with the beer and whiskey I had already been drinking.

The only reason that I didn’t die that night was because of a friend, my best friend, who had spent the previous ten years constantly by my side. She knew what I had done and she called the EMS. I was out before they got there and, eventually, told that if she wouldn’t have called when she did I would certainly have died in a matter of minutes. When I regained consciousness in the ER I stormed out of the hospital, embarrassed with what I had done, angry with myself for failing, and still trapped in the endless insanity. I refused to go home to face anyone and since I knew of no other way to deal with such an epic failure I began partying harder than ever. I spent the next two weeks hanging out with some people who didn’t care that I was in such bad condition. I decided to go back home thinking that it had been long enough and that I would be welcomed with open arms, people should just be glad that I’m back. It hit me pretty darn hard when instead I was told to get out. My best friend, the only person I had left, the only one who had put up with all my crap over the years, had enough and today I thank God that she did.

So, I finally began to realize that there was a problem. Even after all of this I still wasn’t convinced that I was the problem, but I started to see that one really was there. I agreed to check myself into detox but I still had a long road ahead. The next few months are pretty fuzzy to me. I knew that I needed to get sober but I was still unsure just how to do that. I tried to control my drinking after I got out but my first trip to the bar ended up with me being in a functioning blackout for at least five or six hours. When I came to I was with a person I didn’t know and I had no idea how I had gotten there. The people I had been staying with told me to get out because I, “Really can’t handle drinking and [I] seriously needed some help.”

This is where I finally got to the turning point. As I walked out of that house with no where to go and no one to turn to, that suffocating feeling was pulled into my gut as if in a vacuum. The pain wrenched and twisted inside me until, in the middle of the street I looked up into the glowing lights of the night, and literally screamed out, releasing the agony, and putrid pain that I had kept tight inside me all these years, “I give up! What the fuck do you want from me?! I don’t know how to stop!” I sobbed aloud as I walked hunched holding my stomach and knowing that for some reason I was gong to be given a second chance.

I walked to a friend’s house, and I guess she must have seen something in me because she agreed to let me stay there. That week I began going to rehab and shortly after I also went to my first AA meeting. I worked the program the way it was meant to be worked and even though my idea of a higher power didn’t match up with the conventional ideas, I had come to believe that there was something in the unknown universe, out there somewhere, that had decided to pass a bit of grace onto me that night and give to me a new life.

I know that sobriety has been, and remains, the only path for my life. Without it I have no doubt that I would not be here today. I know that no matter what life hands me I remain only one drink away from a drunk and that I cannot, under any circumstances, entertain the thought, even for a minute, of having a drink. I thank the powers that be for my second chance and I hope that it is never regretted. I know the program works if you work the program. When my daughter died a couple of years ago, I knew that was a huge trigger, and even though I didn’t want a drink I knew I needed the program to be there for me...and it was.

I had recently moved so I didn’t know the area or anyone who lived there. I recall thinking that I need to go to a meeting that I can’t go through this alone, but I didn’t know where any were. As these thoughts were racing through my head along with the details of my daughter’s death, I was walking through the motions of every day life by going to pay the rent. I walked up to the front doors of the church, to whom we rented from, and I saw a sign on the door, “Tonight’s AA meeting has been moved to room XXX and will begin at 7:00PM” No, I am not making that up. I went to the meeting and found a small intimate group having a closed 12 Step meeting. I introduced myself and explained why I was there. The group chose to delay their discussion so that they could spend the hour talking to me and helping me to get through the worst pain I have ever experienced. Not a one of these people knew me from Adam and not a one of these people treated me any different that you would treat a loved one. That is what AA is about. And finding that meeting is what “The Grace of God” is about, and so it is that without them both I know beyond all doubt, I would not be here today writing this. Please, if you are struggling with alcohol or drug addiction let go of that pain. Cry out to the powers that be and let them know that you can’t do this anymore and maybe, if you sincerely work to get sober that grace and those AAs will be there for you too. Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this.