A blended family is pretty common now a days. Just about
anywhere you go you’re likely to find step-children and step-parents. Being a
step-parent obviously has a lot of challenges so here’s the word on one such
challenge. Hopefully, after reading this you’ll have one less thing to deal
with.
As a woman who raised 7 step-children I learned a thing or
two. One of the first things that you may find yourself asking, was one of the
first things I dealt with. Should the step-children call you mom or dad, which
ever the case may be? There’s a simple rule to guide you. According to many
child development experts and psychologists, if the child is under 5 years old
and resides primarily with you, then it’s appropriate to have them call you
mom, or dad. If the child is over 5 years old, let them choose what to call
you. Simple right? That’s all there is to it. Well, at least on the surface. You
will also have your spouse’s ex to consider in this as well as the children’s
hidden feelings.
When I first met my 7 step-children they ranged in age from
1 to 15. The three youngest were 1, 2, and 3 years old. They lived with us on a
full time basis. They have always referred to me as mom and continue to call me
mom 13 years later and after the recent break up between me and their father.
The four of us grew up together. We shared our lives with one another as I did
with my biological children. For every practical purpose, I was their mom. If
you’re wondering whether or not it’s ok to have a young child call you mom or
dad, think about this: Will you be involved in this child’s life as if the
child were your own? Will you be the one expected to care for them when they’re
sick? Will you be the one who is there when they meet some of their first
milestones? Even if your spouse’s ex is still around, if you are the one who is
taking on the primary care of the child, then, yes, have them call you mom or
dad. As a side note, in my own case, in order to minimize confusion when the
kids talked about me to their biological mother they called me Terrimommy, and
in the same manner when they spoke to me or their father their biological
mother was XXXXXmommy. It was a solution that fit our needs very well.
As for the older children, there are 4 of them. All were
over 5 when our lives came together. One of the children ended up living with
us full time, while two of them lived with us off and on. The fourth child
visited, but never lived with us. All four were always given the choice of
whether or not to call me by my name or call me mom. I was fine with whichever
they chose to do, and you should be too. Let them make the decision. It will
allow your relationship to develop without force. I think that if you are able
to love a step child the same way you love your own child, then that
parent/child bond will grow no matter what name they assign to you. As it
turned out, ironically, the child who lived with us still calls me by my name.
The other three call me mom. None of the older kids started out calling me mom; that came with time. I think that each child needed to be able to reach a point
in our relationship where they knew that I was there for them and that I loved
them. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen all at the same time.
Each child came into their own, tested the waters by going back and forth. Some
times I was mom, other times I was Terri, now I’m mom.
In the end I think it comes down to this. If you love your
step-children and you’re there for them as they grow, they will come to love
you regardless of what they call you. In their hearts you will be their parent
and they will be your child, and that’s a bond that is pretty darn impossible
to break.
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